


Speaking Out

by TrashFan



Category: Internet Personalities, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Normal High School, Fluff, Gen, High School, Light Angst, M/M, New Kid Dan, Phan Fluff, Phanfiction, Phil doesn't talk, Speech Disorders, school project partners, silent Phil, uncovering secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2018-09-15 22:23:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 20,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9260411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashFan/pseuds/TrashFan
Summary: When Dan moves to a new school mid-term, he's taken under the wing of a group of misfits and things aren't looking so bad. Despite the friendly ease they all have, there are some serious questions in the back of their minds. Why won't Dan explain what happened at his old school? Why does Phil post fantastic video blogs but refuse to say anything in person? Will they be able to pull of a seemingly impossible task for the sake of a grade?Or, in which mute(ish)!Phil and newkid!Dan deal with dark pasts, awkward romance, and a gross school project.





	1. Island of Misfit Toys

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments and constructive criticism!

Dan slowly lifted a shaking hand to wipe the excess of red off of his gaping mouth. He couldn’t figure out if he wanted to laugh, cry, or disappear forever. He had created countless disaster scenarios in his head the previous night for how he could completely muck up his first day at a new school (in the middle of a term, to top it off), but none of his ideas came close to this.

“I. Am. So. Sorry,” he breathed. He tried to focus on the teacher in front of him instead of the swarm of students staring and/or laughing at him, because hers was the only interaction he had any control over.

The woman in front of him smashed her lips together in a line and inhaled deeply. “You didn’t do it on purpose, now did you?” she said, cracking a small smile. “Go get yourself cleaned up, I’ll take care of this.”

Dan didn’t need to be excused twice. He bolted down the hallway, leaving the mess of paint and the frustrated teacher behind him. His intention was to find solace in a toilet cubicle, but he realized quickly that he had absolutely no idea where to go. He hadn’t been in the school fifteen minutes before he’d tripped and knocked over the art teacher’s transport trolley, tipping a dozen cans of paint onto himself and the floor. He made a mental note not to stick his nose quite so far into his school map. 

The map! He had shoved it into his pocket right after the incident, and he pulled out the crumpled paper now. He located the nearest bathroom and scurried off, trying his best to ignore the pointed fingers and chortles that followed behind him. 

A handful of minutes later when Dan tossed the last of the wet paper towels into the bin by the sink, he decided to take a seat on a toilet for a second. He slid the lock into place, sat himself down, and ran his fingers through his hair. He bit down hard on his lip, trying to keep the stinging behind his eyelids at bay. He was already late to his first class, and he still had to go to the nurse and get a new set of clothes, as he didn’t trust his soaked ones not to leave stains in his wake. His face, neck, and arms were red from where he scrubbed viciously to get the purples and blues out of his skin (and to no avail). Most of the paint seemed the same, but those two colors were of a different consistency; he guessed that they were some less-washable substance. Dan chuckled darkly, took a deep breath, and stood up. He was going to show up to his first class in his new school extremely late, in whatever clothes the nurse could scrounge up, and looking like a blue man group reject. Brilliant.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dan felt like a trope ripped from every American high school rom-com. As the lunch server counted his money he tugged down at the gym shorts to try to make them fall more than half-way to his knees. Apparently the nurse didn’t keep extra clothes for bean poles like him, so he was stuck in a girl’s blazer and size small gym shorts. He huffed a breath as he received his change; if the world was going to treat him like a trope, he was going to act like one. He clutched his tray and started to make a beeline to the bathroom where he fully intended to lock himself in and eat his lunch. He chuckled – at this rate he was going to spend more time in the toilet than in classes. But he skidded to a halt halfway through his journey he heard someone call,

“Oi! New kid! Ya lanky wanker!” Dan slowly turned to face the voice. “Yeah you, come here.”

Dan shuffled over to a half-filled table of people. He didn’t recognize anyone there from the hallways or his classes, but he’d been pretty careful to keep his head down. “Yeah?”

“Don’t just stand there, sit,” the speaker said. He was looking at a broad-shouldered bloke with sand-blonde hair that was styled almost straight up. He looked like he had fallen straight out of a Tommy Hilfiger catalog. But his smile seemed genuine, and Dan wasn’t in the position to refuse potential allies. He sunk onto the nearest open stool with a small smile.

“Really Marcus? A ‘lanky wanker’? Are you trying to be clever?” Dan swiveled his head to look at the new speaker, a curvy blonde girl with a fantastic smile. 

“I think,” came a thick Australian voice belonging to a skinny, curly haired thing. “He’s trying to seem so terribly lame that Mr. Paint Face can regain some pride.”

Dan flushed bright red. This wasn’t far off from the kind of bants he and his old mates had; he was just overwhelmed by the flood of new faces. A quick count told him there were only five of them, but it was a lot to take in all at once. One of the guys who hadn’t spoken get, a smiley little thing with violently green hair, seemed to notice Dan’s friendly awkwardness. 

“Hey now, let’s at least introduce ourselves so he has names to put with our disgusting jokes,” Green Hair said, surprising Dan with an American accent. A very multi-cultural table, he could get down with that. The boy continued, “My name is Tyler Oakley, and welcome to our table!” Dan grinned widely as the man literally threw his hands up by his face to emphasize his enthusiasm. Tyler was exactly the type that would have gotten the mickey beaten out of him for being a pouf at Dan’s old school. But he liked the guy. 

Tyler elbowed the curly-haired Aussie to his right, prompting him to speak. “Oh, yeah, sorry. I guess we’re doing first and last names, fancy. I’m Troye-with-an-E Sivan. Nice to meet you.”

The girl offered a gap-tooth smile. “Louise Pentland.”

The Hilfiger model, the one who seemed to be the leader, added. “I’m Marcus Butler, and this is Phillip Lester. But he goes by Phil. We think.” Marcus pointed a thumb at the only one at the table yet to speak. Dan met the shining blue eyes of what had to be the palest person he had ever seen. 

Dan almost asked about the “we think” comment, but decided to stick to basics until he could figure out what the hell was going on with the dynamics here. He realized everyone was looking at him expectantly.

“Oh! Yeah, right. I’m Daniel Howell. But I go by Dan. I think” He offered a smile at Phillip/Phil, and tried to ignore the feeling in his stomach when the boy beamed back at him. When no one said anything for a few beats, he decided he might as well try to show a little more personality than a wilting cactus. “Not that I don’t appreciate it, but any reason you decided to affiliate yourself with Mr. Paint Face?” Dan chuckled softly when the Australian (Tyler? Travis? Dan was terrible at names) smiled sheepishly at his comment. 

“After your grand entrance this morning, thought you might fit in with us,” Marcus said. “We’re sort of an island of misfit toys, if you will.”

“Hey, speak for yourself!” Louise called, feigning being offended.

“C’mon Lou, we all have our quirks and you know it.”

She folded her arms in front of her. “Do tell,” she challenged. In another situation, Dan might feel uneasy, but everyone seemed so laid-back. Instinct told Dan that they were the type of group that knew exactly where boundaries were and doesn’t cross them.

Marcus clapped his hands together. “Of course I will! Apart from being Damn Foreigners, Tyler and Troye get a sick sort of joy from confusing the entire world as to whether or not they’re dating.”

“We will not confirm nor deny,” Tyler giggled. It was one of the most infectious laughs he had ever heard. 

Troye added, “And if you make one more Britain for the British joke, I swear-”

“Hem!” Marcus coughed, taking back the floor. “Lou is a mum, I’m the only one stupid enough to do her papers for her,”

“Oi!” she interrupted. “I ace the exams, I just don’t have time for the bullshit! I CAN’T say no when Darcy wants to play.”

He waved a hand to acknowledge her point. “Fair enough. I’m still the sucker you pulled into this. And Phil…” he trailed off. For the first time in the conversation, Dan saw the perfect ease they joked with falter. Marcus made eye contact with Phil, who smiled and nodded. “And Phil doesn’t talk.”

Dan took another look at the dark-haired boy. His navy blue button up was closed all the way, but Dan thought it looked rather good on him. Phil’s nose was on the larger side, but it served to make his face even friendlier than his shiny eyes and earnest smile already did. 

Before he could think, Dan said. “Wait, really?” He was about to cringe at himself, but no one was gasping at his question. Marcus opened his mouth but was cut off by a soft, light sound.

“It’s true,” Phil said.

The entire table started chortling, and Dan forced himself to chuckle along. Was this some weird sort of hazing? Were all of the “misfit” facts about the table members fake? Louise caught Dan’s eye and seemed to realize his sudden unease.

“May I explain?” she asked Phil. After she got a nod, she turned to Dan. “He’ll say something occasionally, but it’s rare. To be perfectly honest, those two words will probably be it for the next… what do you say mate, three hours?” 

Phil grinned at her and held up four fingers.

“Four hours. It’s because he’s the world’s most rubbish spy and he’s afraid he’ll give away master secrets,” she said.

“No, I’ve always liked the theory that it’s some bizarre kink,” Tyler chirped.

Troye cut in. “Cram it Tilly, it’s because he has to save his voice for his night-job as a rap star.”

These comments all got rounds of laughs, but Dan saw something else there. Out of all of the playful jabs he’d witnessed, these were the ones spoken the gentlest. Not only that, they were said directly to Phil, the speaker making eye contact with him the whole time. If Dan didn’t know any better, he’d say they were trying to gauge his reaction. As if they were unsure if it was okay to joke about. Dan chewed on his lip. There was something about it that was different from the way they interacted with each other. But then again, maybe he was looking too far into it. It would make sense to watch more carefully for visual reactions if this guy really did speak as rarely as they were saying. 

“So Dan, what are your crushing failures?” Tyler asked. “Are you purely The Paint Guy, or did you fuck shit up at your old school too?”

He grinned. “I’m just socially inept in general I suppose. I was so painfully awkward I was expelled.”

Marcus took the opportunity to introduce the first serious topic of the conversation. “Excellent. But, why /did/ you come here? Parent’s moving jobs or something?”

Dan swallowed hard. He hated lying, and he had promised himself that he would avoid blatant untruths about this particular subject. But he hadn’t really thought he’d be asked point-blank so soon. He picked at the skin around his thumb nail under the table and tried to remain casual and joking. “Well, uh, it’s quite a long story actually. I’m sure I’ll get around to it eventually.”

And with that Dan took a large bite of his previously untouched sandwich, getting him out of answering follow up questions. It had been a rocky start to the day, but things were looking up. Maybe he’d spend time outside of the bathroom after all.


	2. Partners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apart from being one of the most genuinely kind people in the country, Phil was a sort of mystery. As each day passed, Dan found himself more and more curious about the boy who doodles cacti and vines in the margins of his paper, whose smile was warmer than the sun, who had a habit of furrowing his eyebrows questioningly and holding his thumb up and then down in order to ask if someone was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to post! I promise the next update will come MUCH faster. Please leave your thoughts/suggestions in comments.
> 
> No trigger warnings (that I can think of)

_what even is this class_

_What do you mean?_

_dunno. thought itd be about the revolution or crossing the pond or some shite_

_That was the beginning of term, we went chronologically. Now stop writing before he catches us._

Dan let out an exasperated humf, but his ear-to-ear smile blew his façade entirely. He sat back in his chair and tried to focus on the lesson, but he kept getting distracted by the black-haired boy on his left. Turns out he’d been wrong about no one at the lunch table being in any of his classes; Phil was his anchor in fourth hour United States History. Dan had signed up for the class because he’d never taken anything like it before, and his mum was always saying how he ought to know more about “the world’s biggest superpower,” but he thought it would be more interesting than this. Turns out they were just being lectured at about modern economics and fiscal policy. Phil promised him that this was an especially boring unit and that it wasn’t all like this, but Dan had a hard time believing that Mr. Sayers could be engaging if his life depended on it.

So every day out of the week he’d been there, Dan had passed the time writing notes with Phil. Their desks were close together and each boy’s dominant hand was the one in the middle, so they didn’t have to do much paper moving. Not only did it stop him from falling asleep, it let Dan get to know the bloke a lot better. Phil had probably said less than ten words in his presence, but out of all the people he’d met the boy was the one Dan had “talked” to the most. Apart from being one of the most genuinely kind people in the country, Phil was a sort of mystery. As each day passed, Dan found himself more and more curious about the boy who doodles cacti and vines in the margins of his paper, whose smile was warmer than the sun, who had a habit of furrowing his eyebrows questioningly and holding his thumb up and then down in order to ask if someone was okay. Even if Mr. Sayers had been interesting, Dan had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to pay attention anyway.

As the minute hand inched closer and closer to the end of the hour and kids slowly slid their supplies into bags, the teacher cleared his throat.

“It isn’t due for a while, but I would like to introduce the end of term project early. Perhaps some of you won’t hold it off until the night beforehand,” the man droned. “You will pair off and select a topic covered in this class to examine on a deeper level than we had time to. Anything on the syllabus is fair game. Once you select your subject, I will provide you with a list of information you have to gather and present to the class. But don’t think that’s all you have to learn. You will be questioned afterwards, and anything at all relating to the topic within reason could be brought up. I have chosen groups alphabetically.” The class groaned at this, but Dan bit his lip. Was H close enough to L? How many last names could start with I, J, or K anyway?

His leg started jiggling as Sayers began listing off partners. _Please please please_ he repeated over and over again in his head. He had no idea who anyone in this class was, and he didn’t want to have to figure it out. He was so caught up in his thoughts he almost missed the information.

“Mr. Howell with Mr. Lester, Ms. Lucas with Mr….” was all he caught before his giddiness took over. He looked at Phil expecting the boy to be smiling back at him, but he wasn’t even faced Dan’s way. Mr. Sayers was barely through reading the list before the bell rang.

Dan packed his books away and tried to catch his friend’s eye, but he was studying his lap intensely. Dan felt a lump begin to bob in his throat. Had he done something wrong? Was Phil avoiding him?

“Uh, you coming to lunch, mate?”

Phil jerked his head up and nodded slowly. He chewed on his bottom lip, held up one finger, and waved his hand in dismissal. After taking a few deep breaths, he managed to say. “Later. Go. I’ll b-be there in a minute.”

Dan tried to stop his eyes from going wide. That was easily the longest string of words he’d heard him say yet, but he just mumbled an affirmation and turned to leave. He didn’t want to rock the boat, and everyone regarded the rare occasions Phil spoke as completely normal, so he followed their lead. Part of Dan felt like he ought to respond with encouragement, but he didn’t want to accidentally do something out of line.

He slogged to the cafeteria, through the food line, and down into his seat. When greeted with the usual waved and “hey”s, he just gave a soft smile and turned to his food. Dan was so lost in his thoughts that he could only follow the main point of the banter that was going on. He tried not to make it too obvious he was staring at the entrance to the room; he kept waiting for his favourite dark-haired boy to walk through, but it didn’t happen. He was so zoned out he didn’t hear his name being called at first.

“Dan!”

He jumped. “Hmm? Sorry, what?”

“Where’s Phil at?” Louise asked.

He tensed. “Why would I know? What makes you think I know more about him than you lot?”

“Um, because you had class with him last hour?”

He exhaled, feeling like a right idiot. Why had he been so defensive anyway, and what would they interpret it as? Dan pushed those thoughts down deep. “Oh, yeah. I dunno. He said he’d be here in a minute. Something seemed wrong.”

“Any idea what it was?” Troye cut in.

 _He thinks I’m clingy and doesn’t want to partner with me._ “No clue.”

A shrug seemed to circle its way around the table, leaving everyone in silence. After a few more bites of quiet, Dan opened his mouth to cough but found words spilling out instead.

“why-doesn’t-Phil-talk,” he slurred.

“What was that?” asked Marcus.

He gulped. He really hadn’t had any intention of saying that, but it was too late now. “Um, I was wondering why is it that he doesn’t speak much?”

The four friends looked around each other and when no one spoke, Dan felt is face flush red. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…sorry, ignore that.”

“No, it’s cool,” Tyler assured. “It’s just we don’t know.”

“He hasn’t mentioned it? No one’s ever asked?”

“Phil’s only been here since the start of term,” Louise said.

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed. “Really? You all seem to know a lot about him, I figured you’d been friends for ages.”

Tyler gave a crooked smile. “We know most of it from his videos. They’re hilarious.”

“Videos?” Dan cocked his head to the side.

Tyler opened his mouth to respond, but Phil sliding down into his seat interrupted the conversation. The newcomer’s eyes were red and shiny, and he refused to raise his eyes from the wringing hands in his lap. He didn’t even have food. The five others looked back and forth for help, so Louise muttered something to him. Phil just shook his head, and eventually conversation about classes and social lives picked up again. As lunch was drawing to a close, Dan felt Tyler slip a piece of paper into his hands. He unfolded it and shifted to read it discreetly.

_AmazingPhil on youtube_


	3. Amazing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He realized that the boy across from him had tears in his eyes. Without stopping to think, Dan reached forward and placed his right hand on top of his friend’s left.
> 
> “Hey hey hey. We’ll figure something out, okay?"

Amazing was the exact right adjective. When Dan clicked on the first video, he expected Phil to be talking in it, but he didn’t expect things to be as fluent as they were. He actually jumped when a happy northern accent greeted him with an energetic “Hey guys!” Dan immediately got lost in the boy’s tales and awkward transitions, as if information about the dangers of staplers and lion-based Mother’s Day presents were positively riveting. Dan could see why everyone in the friend group liked Phil so much – his shining personality was something you couldn’t help but adore once you got a chance to see it.

                As he clicked on video after video, he found himself becoming more absorbed in the boy on screen. This was definitely the same guy he’d been hanging out with for the past two weeks; it was the same smile, the same kind eyes, and the same dorky-yet-cute sense of humor. But there was an odd feeling of heightened earnestness about it – like finally taking off heavy winter gloves and really _feeling_ snow for the first time. Dan was absolutely transfixed.

 

~~~

 

                Those were the thoughts bouncing around the brunette’s head as he sat in the library, anxiously tapping a rhythm on the mostly clear table in front of him. Dan tried to take a deep breath to pull himself together. Why was he so nervous all of a sudden? He’d never gotten like this before seeing Phil any other time. The logical side of him said that perhaps it was because he didn’t know if he was allowed to have seen the videos, and he wouldn’t want Phil to feel like his privacy had been invaded. A much smaller, more emotional side of Dan’s mind muttered that _that_   wasn’t why his stomach was flittering at all, but he fought to ignore it. It was most definitely the first thing.

                He was so lost in his thoughts that he was surprised when the black-haired boy actually appeared in front of him, sliding into the chair opposite him. Dan tried to suppress a cringe when he thought about the hesitation with which Phil had accepted his invitation to meet here. Everything was fine, right? Everything was fine.

“Hey, how’re you doing?”

Phil offered a small smile and gave a thumbs-up. He then cocked his head to the side and pointed at Dan.

“I’m doing pretty well. Finally getting used to my class schedule and everything,” he replied.

The two sat in silence for a moment as Phil got out a piece of paper and a pencil and Dan twiddled his thumbs.

Once he had everything out of his bag, Phil scribbled _So you said you wanted help or something?_

Dan cleared his throat. “Uh, yeah. I was thinking with Mr. Sayers’ project, I don’t have the foggiest what you lot have done in class this term, so I have no idea what subject we ought to choose. And while I do enjoy procrastination and overall laziness, I don’t plan on dumping the whole assignment on you. So…?” he trailed off, once he realized he was rambling.

Phil slowly lifted his pencil to the page, but instead of writing he just put it down again and closed his eyes. Dan felt increasingly uncomfortable. Maybe he should have paid more attention to his friend’s weariness and called the study session off. Had he said something wrong? Phil still hadn’t moved, and it was putting Dan on edge.

“I’m sorry-if you-I dunno, you don’t have to-” he stuttered, only cutting off when the boy across from him looked up and held up a hand. Dan had to bite his lip to stop himself from babbling as Phil scratched out a note at a painstakingly slow pace. He pulled the paper over quickly when the message was finally finished.

_Don’t apologize, you’re fine. It’s just the project. Every other teacher at this school has let me do an alternative assignment for presentations, but Mr. Sayers won’t. I don’t do presentations._

“Oh,” Dan breathed when he’d read it all. “I’m sorry. That – I – it, I can’t imagine,” he mumbled.

Phil just shrugged in response.

Dan racked his brain for how to go about this without being intrusive. “Is there any way your parents would call the school about it, or…?” he trailed off.

Phil pulled the paper back and scribbled down, _My parents would do it if I asked, but Mr. Sayers already said he won’t settle for anything but a doctor’s note. So I’m screwed._

The brunette had to force himself to stay focused and not allow himself to get lost trying to piece this new information into the mysterious puzzle that was Phil Lester. Understanding parents, but no doctor’s note. So the silence wasn’t a physical thing? Or maybe it was just undiagnosed. Dan shook the thoughts.

“Hey, what if you did one of your videos? Could that work?”

Phil’s eyes widened, then he let out a laugh. _So one of our mates showed you my channel then?_

Dan’s cheeks went red. He hadn’t meant to let that slip. “I hope that’s okay. I liked it. A lot.”

_It’s okay, I don’t mind. But no, I actually asked about that. Sayers says no preferential treatment without medical necessity._

He furrowed his brow. That didn’t seem fair at all. It would be the same amount of work. He was about to say something about how much of a twat their teacher was before he realized that the boy across from him had tears in his eyes. Without stopping to think, Dan reached forward and placed his right hand on top of his friend’s left.

“Hey hey hey. We’ll figure something out, okay? We don’t have to work on it today if you don’t want. Worst case scenario be both fail the course, it’ll be fine.”

Phil sniffed and let out a breathy chuckle. _I’m not letting you flunk a class for me_

“Watch me,” he joked. He felt his stomach tumble when Phil squeezed his hand lightly.

“Fantastic,” Phil mouthed slowly.

Dan corrected, “Amazing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was so short, I promise there's another chapter coming soon. I'd love all thoughts/opinions/criticisms. Thanks for reading!


	4. People Are the Most Interesting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then Phil was leaning in and Dan was falling into the sea of blue and once he realized what was happening and unfroze there was gentle movement and everything was stars and stars and stars.

Dan took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

“And uh, this is my room!” he said, trying to sound cheery. That was how this was supposed to go, right? It wasn’t that he wasn’t pumped to have Phil in his house; it was just that Dan’s stomach had too many knots for him to enjoy the experience properly.

Phil looked around and let out a low whistle, causing Dan to flush pink. The two shuffled inside the room and Dan pushed the door closed before taking a seat at the foot of his bed. He expected his friend to join him, but he didn’t sit quite yet. The dark-haired boy was slowly walking around the room, examining the posters and knick-knacks without touching a thing. Dan noticed the light of amusement flickering in the boy’s eyes and tried to ignore the warmth it sent through his body.

With his survey of the area apparently done, Phil lowered himself softly on the bed a few feet away from Dan. He looked at his host expectantly, and Dan sighed. Time to get to work.

“So uh, you said that the class isn’t always as dreadfully boring as it is right now. What are some of the interesting topics?”

When his guest cocked his head to the side and scrunched up his face, Dan realized that Phil had no way of responding. He stood, crossed the floor to his desk, and started rooting around for the spare notebook he was _sure_ he’d tossed in this drawer. Not a second after Dan had picked up the notebook and a pen, a voice came from behind him.

“People.”

Dan slowly turned around, smiling. He loved Phil’s voice. It was a rare treat that always surprised and delighted him. “What do you mean?”

“People are the most interesting,” Phil said softly.

The brunette nodded slowly. “Yeah, I like that. I’m cool with doing the project on a person,” he said as he sat down on the bed again. “Who did you have in mind?”

Phil took the paper and pen and scribbled, _I dunno, there’s so many. Columbus, Sacagawea, John Smith, Washington, Lincoln, King, Nixon…so many.”_

“Hmm, you can pick, I really don’t care.”

Phil raised an eyebrow and Dan laughed.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

The ridiculous, sunny, pale boy broke out into a grin and started swaying back and forth ever so slightly. “Can we do Abe Lincoln?”

Dan bit back a smile and shook his head in amusement. “Of course.”

Phil picked up the pen to begin to write, but then pursed his lips and dropped it. “W-w-what’s so funny?”

“Nothing. Just you. I love seeing you excited. I like hearing your voice.”

Dan froze the moment the words were out of his mouth. Was the last comment an okay thing to say? Besides, it was over the top. Stupid stupid stupid. The tinkling voice of his friend pulled him out of his spiral.

“I like talking for you.”

After grinning at each other for a ridiculous amount of time, the boys began to actually work. Dan started in on the textbook chapter that covered the American Civil War while Phil, who had already read it, searched for things online. Every once in a while Dan would feel a tap on his shoulder and he’d look up to see the laptop pointed towards him, some interesting fact highlighted with the mouse. He was awestruck seeing Phil like this. It made the room feel brighter.

Dan was almost through with the chapter when he felt one last tap. He looked up to read the screen.

_Although it is dismissed by most scholars, there is some speculation that President Lincoln was homosexual. It is relatively agreed upon that he enjoyed sleeping naked in the same bed as other men, but there is controversy as to the implications of this._

His eyes grew wide and then he let out a snigger. “I mean, it was a different time, but imagine that today. ‘Yeah, I get naked and spoon with my mates. No homo though.’”

Phil rolled his eyes and pushed his friend’s shoulder lightly. Dan returned the favor.

“But seriously,” he said, sobering up, “if most experts don’t think it’s true, it probably isn’t. But I completely understand why he would lie about it.”

Phil nodded earnestly.

“Even now it can be shit to be gay, I can’t imagine what it was like two hundred years ago in America. Slurs shouted at you, being shoved down, being ignored, probably nothing compared to what happened to people back then…” he realized he was rambling, so Dan bit down on the inside of his cheek.

Phil patted Dan’s knee softly, and Dan could feel something inside of him shift at the comforting gesture. He felt moisture fighting to escape his eyes, and his face flushed red at this realization. Why the hell was he getting emotional over Abraham Lincoln? This was ridiculous. When he tried to apologize, Phil just shook his head and shushed him. The brunette took a few ragged breaths to calm himself down. Once he was completely stable, he was shocked to see the bright blue eyes coming closer. Dan was dumbfounded at the hug at first, but after a moment he wrapped his arms around the equally skinny frame of his friend. Phil was soft and warm and gentle, and Dan had to resist the urge to rest his head on the guy’s shoulder.

Eventually Dan pulled back and looked at the other boy. “Why did you switch schools?”

Phil did a double take and chuckled. “What?” he mouthed.

Dan flushed red. “Sorry, I dunno where that came from. You don’t have to answer.”

Phil picked up the pen and held it to the paper, hesitating. He lifted it up, rolled it between his fingers, and put it back down again. He slowly scribbled, _To quote a cute boy trying to avoid his own tale of transferring schools, “Well, uh, it’s quite a long story actually. I’m sure I’ll get around to it eventually.”_

Dan felt his eyes go wide and his cheeks warm up at the word _cute_. He tried to ignore it by forcing himself into casual banter with his guest. Soon they strayed far from the topics of old schools or Abe Lincoln or anything productive. They sat on the bed, facing each other cross-legged to scribble notes, for what seemed like just a few minutes. But the steadily decreasing sunlight and the five sheets of paper they’d filled begged to differ. In that time they’d been told to be quiet by Dan’s little brother three times because they’d been laughing so hard. Neither one could remember the last time they’d felt this good. It wasn’t until it was almost completely dark out that the boys began to acknowledge the time.

“So, do you have to be going soon then?” Dan said when they finally had to turn on the overhead light.

Phil shrugged.

“We got SO much work done.”

_It gives us an excuse to hang out again._

“Right. Yeah, I’d like that,” he mumbled awkwardly. He was suddenly hyper-aware of his hands. Where did he normally put them? He tried resting them on his knees, but that felt weird. Putting them on his lap felt too uncomfortable. Where do people put their hands when they sit cross-legged anyway? He was about to try yet another position when he felt the shock of warmth on his palms. He stared at the soft, pale hands that were gently holding his.

“D-d-dan?”

He swallowed hard and tried to ignore how his heart was trying to beat out of his chest. “Yeah?”

“Is it…can…” he trailed off, words failing.

“Can I kiss you?” Dan blurted out.

And then Phil was leaning in and Dan was falling into the sea of blue and once he realized what was happening and unfroze there was gentle movement and everything was stars and stars and stars. The dark-haired boy pulled back and the two could feel each other’s smiles against their faces. Dan slowly lifted his hand up and softly brushed a piece of fringe out of Phil’s face, leaving his hand there even when he’d finished.

There’s no telling what would have happened from there if it weren’t for the telltale creak of the second to bottom stair.

Dan shot himself backwards and felt his face go scarlet. “My mum,” he breathed.

And sure enough, in just a few seconds the door to the bedroom creaked open. “Daniel?”

“Yeah?” he asked, trying desperately to sound normal.

“I need your help for a moment. Don’t worry, it won’t be long. And Phil,” she turned to him, “You’re welcome to stay for supper, but I’d like you to call your parents first, okay?”

As his friend nodded, Dan stood up and shuffled across the room in humiliation. He wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t want to handle being in the same room as Phil and his mum at the same time. Not right that second anyway. He felt such a flood of relief when he got into the hallway, he ran into his parent’s back, unaware she had stopped walking.

“Woah, sorry. So, what’s up?”

“Dan, how’re you doing?”

He furrowed his brow. “Uh, fine?”

“No,” she said, her voice dropping to a whisper. “How’re you doing? How’s school? Should I be worried about Phil?”

“Mum,” he groaned, “Don’t. I’m fine.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Everything’s fine, and Phil is great.”

“Are you sure? Because if anything is happening, if you’ve-“

“I’m FINE Mum. Please. This isn’t like last time”

She pursed her lips. “You would tell me if something was wrong, yeah?”

“Yes. Can I please go back now?”

The woman sighed, patting her son on the shoulder. “Yes dearie. I just worry about you is all. I love you.”

“Love you too,” he mumbled, turning towards the door. The brunette didn’t notice it at the time (nor would he ever come to realize its significance), but he didn’t have to turn the knob to get back into his bedroom. In his hurry to get out, he had left the door ajar. Not open enough to be able to see the events on the other side, but enough of a gap for sound to flow freely. Enough for Phil to hear everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long to upload this! I know, I'm the worst.


	5. Well, Uh, It's Quite a Long Story Actually...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey Dan. Are you busy tomorrow after school?
> 
> It was just like Phil to text with punctuation. yeah, i think so, why
> 
> Do you want to come over to my house? I want to talk to you.
> 
> sounds good to me, but what do you want to talk about
> 
> I want to TALK to you.
> 
> Dan came to a halt in the middle of the pavement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two posts in a week? It's a miracle.

All throughout the following week, Phil acted extremely weird. There was still light in his eyes when he laughed, he still smiled at everyone he passed in the halls, but he didn’t volunteer any information of his own. Dan didn’t see him pick up a pen for five days straight; he answered every question directed at him with a nod or a shrug or a wave of the hand. Dan tried several time a day to engage Phil in class or through text, but he never managed to get a real response. By the end of the week Dan was starting to lose sleep over it. Had he done something wrong? They were on good terms when Phil left his house after studying, arms weighed down with bags of leftovers Mrs. Howell _insisted_ he take. Was Phil not okay with the idea of liking boys? Was this an identity struggle thing? Dan had been there, but for whatever reason he assumed that Phil would accept himself pretty easily if he wasn’t straight.

These were the thoughts that ran through Dan’s head as he walked home Thursday afternoon. He was just in the middle of telling himself to forget about it when he felt his mobile buzz in his pocket.

_Hey Dan. Are you busy tomorrow after school?_

It was just like Phil to text with punctuation. _yeah, i think so, why_

_Do you want to come over to my house? I want to talk to you._

_sounds good to me_ , _but what do you want to talk about_

_I want to TALK to you._

Dan came to a halt in the middle of the pavement. Was he serious? _ok yeah ill be there. is everything okay_

_Yes. Can’t wait ^.^_

Dan rolled his eyes as he tapped a quick reply and slid his phone back into his pocket. He was convinced that Phil Lester was the last person alive that still preferred emoticons over emojis, a quirk Dan loved to tease him over. He tried to focus on silly little things like that on the way home to stop himself from obsessing over what the hell was going on. He was not successful.  

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

School the next day was like nothing had ever happened. Phil was his normal self again, and this made Dan feel more at ease. Although he was more relaxed, there was no way he could stop the curiosity from burning strong every time he looked at his friend. What was it going to be like to really _talk_ to Phil for more than just a sentence or two at a time? Would it be like a regular conversation? Would he have to watch every single thing he said? He tried his damnedest to push all these things to the back of his mind and just behave like always. He wanted this to be as normal as possible.

Dan felt his face break into a wide smile when he saw Phil immerge from the school building that Friday afternoon. A small part of him was afraid the boy wouldn’t show. The brunette waved him over and Phil bounded over to him with a grin.

“You ready?” he mouthed.

“After you,” he said, bowing slightly and flourishing his hand. The tinkling laughter this was met by filled Dan with a sunny warmth. If he accomplished nothing more in life than making Phil laugh, he would die a happy man.

The two started off towards the housing development right next to the school. It was such a short walk that neither really had time to gather their thoughts properly, but Dan was okay with that. He figured it was better to stay in the moment. In no time the boys were standing in front of a white, two story craftsman with a small overgrown garden complete with ceramic gnomes. Dan chuckled. Of course.

After Phil fished the keys out of his pocket and let himself and his guest in, he shrugged and shifted sheepishly, gesturing around the living area.

“Water? Fo-ood?”

Dan looked around, admiring the small, warmly-colored kitchen to his left and the flat screen and couch combo to his right. “I’m good.”

Phil nodded and bit his lip. He inched ever so slightly closer to the brunette and reached out to touch their fingertips together. Dan got the message and clasped the other boy’s hand, earning a grin and a slight tug. “My room,” Phil said.

Phil bounded up the stairs so quickly that Dan didn’t have time to take anything else in until he was standing in a perfectly square room decorated with more shades of green and blue than he knew existed. His eyes grew wide and he exhaled. He now understood why Phil had refused to sit down on Dan’s bed until he had examined the knick-knacks. Dan wished he could rifle through the mahogany bookshelf or pick up the small Buffy figurine on the small pinewood dresser.

“I like it,” he said breathlessly.

“Thanks.”

Dan looked up to see Phil shifting from side to side while alternating between chewing on his lip and biting his nails. “May I sit?”

Phil nodded and gestured to his bed. Dan sat down on the checkered comforter and looked up expectantly. When his friend opened and closed his mouth several times, he decided to start it off.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m good,” Phil said, taking a seat.

“How were your classes today?”

“Okay I g-guess. History was my favorite.”

“Mine too,” Dan smiled. “It always is. So… is there anything in particular you wanted to talk about? Or…?”

Phil nodded and swallowed hard. “I w-w…I…I w-w-w-”

Dan reached over and picked up Phil’s shaking hands. “Hey, take your time. It’s okay.”

Phil squeezed his friend’s palms and took a breath. “I w-wanted to tell yo-o-ou that I stutter.” He closed his eyes. “Pretty b-badly. It g-g- it g- it gets worse wwwwwhen I’m-m-m-m nervous.”

Dan hoped his eyes weren’t going wide. Now that he thought about it, he’d heard Phil stutter during his rare sentences, but he figured it was just social anxiety. This made a lot of sense. “It’s okay, you don’t need to be nervous around me. Keep going. You’ve got this.”

The dark haired boy nodded more violently this time. “Ev-ver since I was little. I cannn talk alm-m-m-most normally al-lone or-or-or-or with my parents, but around other p-people,” he shrugged and opened his eyes. “I get t-too anxious. It f-f- it f-f-f it f-feels like my throat cl-loses down. Like my b-body think-k-ks I’mmm in danger. Tried speech th-therapy, doesssssn’t work. In my home to-o-own, ‘was hard t-to express myself. T-t-talking is s-s-cary, y’know?”

Dan nodded fervently. “I can only imagine.”

Phil offered a weak smile as he began to draw small circles on the back of Dan’s palm with his fingertips. “I wa-anted people t-to know th-th-th-the real me, so I sssssstarted the videos. I’mmm more comfortable a-alone, and I c-c-can edit the h-hell out of i-it. But,” he shuddered. “ev-v-v-v-veryone thought I was f-f-faking. Everyone. Teach-chers, f-f-friends, everyone. It was h- it was h- it wash-h-h-hhhorrible.”

The brunette exhaled. “Oh Phil. I’m so sorry. That’s terrible, you don’t deserve that.”

“Thanks,” he mouthed before taking a series of deep breaths.  “It g-got pretty bad. Things were…it w-was…bad. So w-w-when Mum got o-o-o-ffered a new j-job over here, I a-a-a-a-a-asked I asked I asked her to t-take it. I th-thought about t-taking the v-v-v-v-videos down, but I w-w-wanted people to see my personality. So I s-s-stopped ta-ta-talking in public.” He shrugged. “Better t-t-t-t-t-t-to be the silent f-freak than the l-lying attention w-w-w-w-whore, r-right?”

Dan felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Who the hell would put such an amazing person through such utter horse shit? It made him want to scream. “I am so bloody sorry you had to go through that. I hate that you got treated that way, but I have to say I’m really glad you found your way to me. That we found our way to each other,” he winced at his own corniness and blushed. “and I’m so so glad you’re telling me this. But I’m just wondering…why? Why tell the new kid and none of our other friends?”

Phil grinned sheepishly. “B-because I l-like you. And wh-wh-wh-when I’m n-not unv-v-v-v-veiling deep s-secrets, I f-find myself p-p-pretty calm ar-ar-around you.” He bit his lip. “You’re the o-only person I’ve e-e-ever met that I’mmmm n-not scared t-t-to talk t-t-to.”

Dan felt a sharp prick behind his eyes. “Oh Phil. I think that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

“It’s true.”

He shook his head slowly and reached out, pulling his friend in for a hug. The boys held on to each other tightly, and Dan gave into the urge he had had during that first hug and nestled his head into Phil’s shoulder. This earned him a light chuckle and a gentle hair rustling.

“Thank you for telling me,” Dan mumbled. “Thank you for trusting me. I love talking to you. I love seeing your personality, and you’re honestly the least fake person I’ve ever met, okay? Thank you.”

Phil just ducked his head down and squeezed tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although I stuttered SOME as a child, I would like it to be known that I myself don't deal with this. I tried to do my research on the subject, but if you or someone you love stutters and you feel like I'm misrepresenting something, PLEASE tell me in comments. Thank you.
> 
> So what did y'all think? Was it what you were expecting?


	6. ...I'm sure I'll Get Around to it Eventually

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He sucked in a breath and looked around at his island of misfit toys. How different they all were, how they’d been there for him and for each other these last few months. He remembered when they all let Louise rant about Darcy’s father. He remembered Troye’s bittersweet tears when he showed them pictures of his sister’s ball that he had to miss. He looked at Phil.

For the fourth time in four days, the boys were at Dan’s house to work on the school project. For the fourth time in four days, they were positioned (closer to each other than strictly necessary) on the couch playing Mario Kart after ten minutes of studying. Dan was willing to admit to himself that part of the procrastination was due to the fact that he didn’t know how to broach the subject of how a _live speaking presentation_ was supposed to happen, but he also enjoyed putting off the work because simply hanging out and hearing Phil laugh and talk was so damn nice. What Phil had said during his confession was true; he stuttered a lot less when he wasn’t so nervous.

“That’s c-cheating!” he exclaimed, pulling Dan out of his reverie.

“How is a blue shell cheating? It’s a hazard of first place.” He said as he crossed the finish line just before Phil’s slowly recovering Toad did.

“It’s a broken mmmmechanic and I don’t like it.”

“Tough luck, Chuck.”

Phil put his controller down and turned to Dan with a smirk. “Did you just call me Chuck?”

“Yessir.”

“A-a-and now I’m a sir.”

Dan turned to the side, pulling his legs up to criss-cross on the couch in front of him. “If you’re not Chuck and you’re not a sir, what am I supposed to call you?”

“Uh, Phil?”

“Got it, Philly.”

He smirked. “If you want to play that way, Danny Boy.”

“Not Danny Boy,” he groaned. “Anything but that.”

“Daniel?”

“Phillip?”

Phil chuckled. “It sounds so…f-formal. Almmmmost regal.”

Dan picked up Phil’s hands in his. “Lord Phillip.”

“W-w-whatever, my princess.”

Dan flushed a bright scarlet and looked down at his legs. “Shut up.”

“Oh my god, you like that. I found how to m-m-make Dan H-h-h-howell blush!”

Dan dropped a hand and used to gently shove Phil’s shoulder. “You can’t prove anything,” he muttered.

“Oh r-really?” Phil placed a finger under Dan’s chin and tilted his head upwards in order look at him straight. “I can’t prove it?”

Dan’s breath sped up ever so slightly. “You’re evil.”

“Princess.”

Another wave of warmth flowed into Dan’s cheeks and he broke eye contact to bury his face in his hands. “I’m so embarrassed.”

“Hey now, no no no. I like it, I l-like seeing you get flustered. I’ll s-stop if you really w-w-want me to, but I think it’s cute. You don’t have to b-be emmmmmmbarrassed.”

Dan peaked out from between his fingers. “Really?”

“R-r-r-really. Now why don’t we take these d-down?” Phil said, softly placing his hands over the palms shielding Dan’s face and pushing ever so slightly. Dan dropped his arms, but Phil’s hands remained, gently brushing hair out of the brunette’s face.

Dan looked up at the crystal blue eyes and jet-black hair in awe. How had he ended up with someone so incredible? This time last year he never would have imagined he’d be in this position.

“Hey Phil?” he whispered

“Hmm?”

“I’d like to kiss you know, if that’s okay.”

Phil moved his until he was gently cupping the back of Dan’s head. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to his friend’s. Dan melted forward and wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck, deepening the kiss. His lips were so soft and warm and moved in just the right way; Dan could feel electricity spread throughout his body. After a few more moments of this, Phil pulled back.

“Umm, I t-t-thought of ssssssssomething else I m-might like to call you, if you’d w-want the label…we d-don’t nnneed to call it a-a”

“Boyfriend?” Dan breathed.

Phil’s face lit up and he nodded.

Dan tapped his chin pretending to think. “Only if you’ll be mine as well.”

“Deal.”

 

~~~

 

Dan drifted through school the next day, completely impervious to the monotony that usually haunted him. He had a boyfriend. Phil was his boyfriend. Phil had called him his princess and then asked if he wanted to be his boyfriend. They had decided that they weren’t going to announce their new relationship or be particularly lovey in public, but if someone asked they would be honest. It was a fair deal, and right up Dan’s alley. All throughout lunch, his mind was caught up in whether someone would somehow sense it and ask. It didn’t even cross his mind that he would be making a whole different type of confession.

“But anyway, Darcy’s made a new best friend from her play group, but she lives all the way in Belmont. That’s so bloody far, and I can never figure out where I am,” Louise was saying.

Dan didn’t think twice before cutting in. “That’s where I was before I came here! I lived in Belmont for sixteen years and I never figured out where the hell I was.”

Marcus tilted his head and put his water bottle back on his tray. “Belmont…why does that sound so familiar?”

Dan gulped. He wished he had never said anything. Why hadn’t he thought through his words?

The table got quiet before Tyler exploded with energy. “Ooooh, I remember! It was in the paper a few months back!”

Troye swallowed a bite and nodded. “Yeah, that one place where the police were investigating kid they found all bloodied up on the rooftop of the high school. They had to hospitalize him for like, ever. They never figured out why, yeah?”

Dan closed his eyes and pushed his food away from himself. He couldn’t believe they were talking about this. He wanted to melt into the floor and never see the light of day again. He seriously debated excusing himself to the bathroom, but he knew that would look suspicious.

“Yeah, that’s right! Dan, did you know the kid?”

He felt five pairs of eyes burning holes in his armor, and he didn’t know how to make it stop. Logically, he knew that he could just say that no, he hadn’t. But he’d promised not to lie; not to be ashamed. He sucked in a breath and looked around at his island of misfit toys. How different they all were, how they’d been there for him and for each other these last few months. He remembered when they all let Louise rant about Darcy’s father. He remembered Troye’s bittersweet tears when he showed them pictures of his sister’s ball that he had to miss. He looked at Phil. Phil, his boyfriend, the man who opened up and was willing to put everything on the line for Dan for the sake of honesty. Dan extended a hand and gripped Phil’s under the table.

“I _was_ the kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late! I won't keep you in suspense long, the next part might even be up later today.


	7. Confessional

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Shit. I’ve never said this out loud before, to anyone…” the brunette genuinely considered backing out right then and there. He could just say that he changed his mind, and they would all understand. But the thought of doing that left him feeling oddly…empty. No one else in the world knew his side of the story – well, besides the one person.

Dan knew exactly what was going to happen when he opened his eyes. His friends would all be staring at him, likely with open mouths. They would all have expressions of shocked worry, but Phil’s would be the strongest. They would stumble around the question of _what the hell he was talking about_ because they were desperate to know, but they wouldn’t come right out and ask it. Dan had realized a long time ago that this was what would happen if he started to tell them the full truth about why he switched schools; he’d just assumed he would have more than a few seconds to think it through and figure out how he was going to phrase it.

He sighed and tore his eyes up from the floor tile he had been intensely studying. “I guess the easiest way to do this is to see what you guys already know. I never read the news stories; what all did they say?”

“Dan,” Phil whispered just loud enough for the lunch table to hear. “You d-d-don’t have to do this.”

“I know. But…I dunno,” he swallowed. “I think I want to. I owe it to you.”

“You don’t owe us anything mate,” Louise said.

He shrugged. “Well I…I think I owe it to myself. When I came here I promised things would be different, that I would be completely honest. Until now, I’d thought that not lying was enough.” Dan looked at the black-haired boy next to him and gave their linked hands a squeeze. “But that’s not real honesty. So what do you lot know?”

“All I remember is that a few months back they found a guy – uh, you – on the rooftop of the school unconscious. Signs of foul play,” Marcus said.

“And um,” Tyler shifted his weight. “they said that you weren’t cooperating with law enforcement? And that they never caught the person that hurt you.”

Dan nodded slowly. So his friends knew nothing. As he weighed his options for how to start his explanation, he realized just how big a task he had before him. “Okay, okay. Before I tell you, I think you ought to know that this isn’t…this isn’t a happy story. You don’t have to listen to this if you don’t want to. I understand if it’s too much.”

Louise smiled softly at him. “We want to know more about you. Doesn’t matter if it’s not always puppies and rainbows.”

Dan smiled back. “Thanks Lou. Okay, so, shit. I’ve never said this out loud before, to anyone…” the brunette genuinely considered backing out right then and there. He could just say that he changed his mind, and they would all understand. But the thought of doing that left him feeling oddly…empty. No one else in the world knew his side of the story – well, besides the one person. Dan wanted to have someone on his side, someone who understood. All he had to do was get the words out and he would have five of them.

“I guess what you have to understand is that Belmont is different from here. There’s an expectation for how you’re supposed to act, how you’re supposed to look, who you’re supposed to be. _Everyone_ follows it. And if you don’t, you pay. A few people who were just a BIT different could fly under the radar if they controlled it enough. This, Dan Howell, the guy you know,” he said gesturing to himself, “would have gone undetected. But this isn’t who I was at Belmont Quite literally, I wasn’t _Dan_. There were about fifteen Daniels in my year, about thirty in the school, so most of us went by different names. I just used my middle name, James.

“When I was James, I ignored the social code. I wore nothing but skinny jeans and black and gray. I had long hair with a straightened fringe. I wore earrings or gages almost every day. That might not seem like a big deal to you guys, because kids here are okay with that sort of thing. But Belmont…Belmont is different. If you’re even the least bit strange, they take you down for it. So I was labeled a pouf. Fairy. Fag. Queer.” Dan felt bad for his choice of words when he saw Tyler, Troye, and Phil flinch at the slurs, but he kept going. “And I made it worse because I didn’t deny it. I was dumb; I was worried about ideals, not about survival. I figured I shouldn’t defend myself against something that’s not an insult. Besides, strictly speaking, it wasn’t untrue.

“Things got pretty intense. My locker got vandalized every day at exactly 11:20. The administration tried suspending the gits that did it, but new ones would always take their place. I was yelled at walking down the halls, but if they put the people who yelled at me in detention, their friends would just fill in for them.” Dan sighed, running his fingers through his hair. It’d been so long since he revisited the early days. He forgot how much it’d hurt. “So the teachers eventually gave up on fighting the little things, and I stopped reporting them. As long as I wasn’t physically harassed, we could pretend everything was fine. I-”

“But it wasn’t!” Marcus cut in. “How the hell could they ignore it! And it WAS physical; you ended up on the bloody roof! You could have-”

Dan held up a hand to stop him. “That’s thinking about morals, not about preservation. At that point, all I wanted was to graduate without letting them take away too much of who I was.” He chuckled darkly. “It didn’t exactly work out that way, did it? Things eventually reached a balance though. People weren’t treating me better, but they weren’t treating me worse either. It might have stayed that way if it weren’t for Adam Lancaster.

“Adam was…he wasn’t like the rest of them. He was quiet in class, but loud everywhere else. He cared a lot about football and which parties he was invited to, and so I always labeled him as just another jock. But then one Friday in my novels class, my teacher went on a tangent. I don’t even remember what we were reading or how she ended up on the subject, but Ms. Hawkins spent a good twenty minutes stood up in front of the class, ranting about integrity. She went on and on about the human condition and how you ought to be the sort of person you look for in a friend.

“It would have been just another one of Hawkins’ random side notes to me, and it was, until about half-way through when I turned around to stretch my back. Sat in the very back row where no one could see him was Adam, and he was crying. He was really calm and still, but he just had tears pouring down. At first I thought I was seeing things, but he kept crying. I just…stared, you know? His lot weren’t exactly seen breaking down in the middle of class. I assumed he’d just found out his mum died or something. But then he looked me right in the eye, and he almost started sobbing. It was absolutely bizarre.

“After school let out that day, I didn’t think much of it. I figured it was some freak thing; his business, something I’d never hear about again. But that night I checked my Instagram and I had a dm from him. I didn’t even know I followed him…” Dan trailed off, lost in thought.

After a few moments had passed and he was still silent, Marcus prompted him. “And what did it say?”

“Oh!” he exclaimed, realizing he was explaining something to a group of people. Dan had honestly forgotten they were there. “Right. It made no sense to me at the time. All he said was ‘I am so sorry James. I am so sorry.’ I asked him what the hell he was talking about, but he didn’t respond all weekend. It wasn’t until Monday morning that I figured out what he meant. I was walking to first hour and some blokes were yelling at me like they always would. But then I heard a voice telling them to shut up. Adam was telling off his friends, saying they were being dicks.

“Doing something like that was unheard of at Belmont, especially in his social circle. But he kept doing it. Every time someone came after me, he did his best to stop them. Once he was a half an hour late to his 11 o’ clock class because he was waited by my locker to stop it from being vandalized. After Adam’s breakdown in Mrs. Hawkins’ class, I had _thought_ I why he was doing this, but I didn’t ask.

“And then, about a month after he started sticking up for me, I walked in on him in the bathroom, sobbing on the floor. He looked so pale. I asked him what was wrong, but at first he just shook his head. He said he didn’t want me to feel bad. I had to press him for answers, but he eventually told me that the whole school was saying he was gay, and if his dad found out he would be kicked out of the house. I told him he could just tell his dad that it was only guys talking. Adam looked right at me and said ‘I can’t James. My dad _knows_ when I’m lying. And what people are saying is true.’

“So I told him to stop standing up for me. I said he had to worry about his own preservation first, and that it wasn’t his job to be my savior. It took some convincing, but he eventually agreed. Things were bloody awful for me without him; it was like all my tormentors had been preserving their unused hatred for when Adam finally stepped down. But I was alright because it meant Adam wouldn’t get thrown out.

“But then one day at lunch I heard people saying ‘Adam and James must’ve had a lover’s quarrel, the damn fairies.’ I dunno how, but the rumors about him got _worse_ when he stopped sticking up for me. Everything was so difficult – I just blocked the whole world out. It was easier to shut down. I guess that’s why I didn’t notice Adam getting angrier and more depressed.

“A few weeks after the incident in the bathroom, I got a message from him. He said he wanted to meet up, and I assumed he wanted to apologize again for not standing up for me. I messaged him that everything was fine, we didn’t need to talk again. But he insisted. I told him to meet me on the roof; it’s where I ran when the bullies wouldn’t lay off. It was my happy place.

“So I went up there after school that day. And…and,” Dan swallowed hard, wringing his hands together. “And he was standing there, looking _different_. I actually thought to myself that it was sweet that he was making himself sick with worry. But uh,” Dan had to close his eyes. He couldn’t look at his friends as he finished the story. “He told me to come close, he had something to tell me. I asked what it was, but he said it was a secret and that I needed to come real close. So I did. A-a-and he leaned in, and he whispered to me, ‘I’m so sorry James. This is the only way to make them believe me.’

“I was about to ask what the hell he meant, but then he punched me. Hard. I stumbled and I would have fallen on my arse, but I ran into a body. Two of Adam’s friends were behind me. They, uh, they beat the mickey out of me. Took turns w-wailing on me. And the whole time,” Dan’s voice fell into a flat monotone, “he was yelling ‘you fucking faggot, you fucking faggot, this is what you get you fucking faggot.’ Or at least, that’s what he was yelling when I finally lost consciousness...”

Dan gasped in a breath. He had never once told that story, and he could feel his hands shaking. He opened his eyes and looked up. Every person at the table had a different reaction: Louise had gone pale, Marcus’ face was bright red and his fists were balled in anger, Troye was rubbing small circles into his forehead, and Tyler kept opening and closing his mouth like he wanted to say something. Phil was biting his lip, tears welling up in his eyes. After several moments of painful silence, Dan gave a forced laugh.

“For the love of god, someone say something.”

His friends looked back and forth before Tyler cleared his throat. “If you knew who beat you up, why did they never get the guys in trouble?”

“If I gave the names of the other blokes, I knew they’d turn in Adam.”

“So?” Troye asked.

“Think about it. If Adam got caught, the investigators would dig and dig and dig. They would figure out that he’s gay, and he would have ended up on the streets.”

Louise scoffed. “He beat you to a pulp! You went to hospital! He deserved it!”

Dan shook his head slowly. “I couldn’t out him, I couldn’t do it. He protected me, it was my turn to protect him. Every time I thought about telling the truth, Ms. Hawkins’ words kept going through my head. ‘Be the sort of person you look for in a friend.’ Adam…Adam was the closest thing I ever had to a friend before I came here.”

Phil cleared his throat “So your p-p-parents had you switch sch-schools?” he whispered.

Dan gave a crooked half-smile. “Yeah. When I wouldn’t say who put me in hospital, the police and my parents assumed that I was afraid of the person who hurt me. They had all sorts of theories about drugs and gangs. My mum was convinced that I was caught up in a bad crowd at Belmont, so she moved us.  After what had happened, I’d given up on staying authentic. It wasn’t worth it anymore. So I took out my gages, cut my hair, and told everyone to call me Dan.”

“And you’ve really never talked to anyone about this?” Marcus asked.

Dan shrugged. “I wasn’t going to out Adam, that’s not right. People speak their truths when they’re ready.” He chuckled, “They get around to it eventually.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I said I might have the next part out the same day and it ends up taking a week...sorry xD. I was half-way through writing it when I posted the last installation, but then I completely changed how I wanted the Belmont stuff to be revealed. Sorry, hope you enjoyed.


	8. Revolting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan was on pins and needles the rest of the day. He’d tried to comfort Phil at lunch and he’d sent him several messages asking if he was okay, but Phil hadn’t spoken or texted a word since the incident.

As Dan drummed his fingers nervously on the desk and shifted his weight from one foot to the other, he went through his mental checklist. Explanation of project – check. Discussion of book read – check. Plan for finishing up research – check. Interesting facts – check. He’d covered all of the bases for the pointless mid-project check-in they’ve all been required to do. Although to be fair, most of the information he’d just shared had been found frantically the night before. He and Phil hadn’t talked about how exactly the presentation was meant to go, and Dan didn’t know how to broach the subject. So they’d just thrown some last-minute info together and called it good enough.

“And…yeah. That’s our project so far on Abraham Lincoln.” Dan had begun to sit down when Mr. Sayers cleared his throat.

“And how have you two divided the work?”

Dan straightened back up. “Well, we’ve decid-”

“Sit down Mr. Howell, you’ve done your part. What have you done to contribute to this, Phillip? Are you shrugging all the work off onto Daniel?”

Dan lowered himself into his seat and swallowed hard. Phil’s eyes were wide and he had gone even more pale than usual, if that was possible. Dan was fuming. What did Sayers think he was up to? He knew full well that Phil didn’t talk. Was being a jerk a personal goal of his?

After several moments of silence, Phil opened his mouth and coughed several times.

“We stand up when we address the class, you know that Mr. Lester.”

By this point, the previously zoned-out class was paying strict attention. _Everyone_ knew not to force Phil to talk. Some teachers had him do a few extra assignments to make up for his class participation points, but _no one_ tried to make him speak.

Phil stood up on shaky legs and swallowed hard. He closed his eyes and breathed. “I…I…….”

Dan cut in “He’s doing his part by-”

“Mr. Howell!” Sayers cut in. “Do not disrupt your friend. You’ve earned your credit, let him earn his.”

“But he has! He’s done more than his fair share of research, and h-”

“One more interruption and you’ll be sent out of class, do you understand me?” the teacher grunted in a low voice, his nostrils flaring.

Dan was physically shaking. He seriously considered getting up and leaving the room immediately, but he forced himself to stay rooted to the spot. Leaving now wouldn’t make this any easier on Phil.

“Now Mr. Lester, in _your_ own words, how have you been participating?”

Phil’s breathing came in short bursts and he was repetitively using his pointer fingers to rub circles into his thumbs. He licked his lips and opened his mouth only to close it again. He was doing this for the fifth time before he was interrupted.

“Mr. Lester, we don’t have all day.”

By this point the whole class was sitting wide-eyed, many with looks of disgust directed towards the teacher.

“I-I-I-…wwww-w-www…”

“Any day now Phillip, we’re waiting.”

“Stop!” came a roar from the back of the class, causing everyone to jolt several inches off their seat. Dan whipped his head around to see a lanky blonde boy with glasses standing, his chest rising and falling in anger.

“Mr. Green! Unless you’d like to take Howell’s place in the office, you can take a seat! I have never seen such disrespect in my classroom before, I sh-”

“You’re the one being disrespectful! Can’t you see what you’re doing to him?! For the love of-”

“SIT DOWN MR. GREEN.”

The boy slowly lowered himself into his seat, his jaw hard and eye twitching. Mr. Sayers took a deep breath and rubbed at his temple.

“Since your fellow students have decided to revolt if you’re held to the same standards as the rest of us, you may sit down Mr. Lester. But understand that this means a zero for the assignment.”

Phil collapsed back into his seat. Dan kept his eyes straight forward; he was afraid if he looked at his boyfriend he would lose all self-control he had held onto and start an actual revolution. The brunette settled for extending a hand under their desks and grasping Phil’s. The pale boy intertwined his fingers and squeezed gently. It may have been a trick of the light, but Dan could’ve sworn he saw a single tear fall down his friend’s face.

 

~~~

 

Dan was on pins and needles the rest of the day. He’d tried to comfort Phil at lunch and he’d sent him several messages asking if he was okay, but Phil hadn’t spoken or texted a word since the incident. During his last class, Dan almost squeaked in surprise when he pulled out his phone to see a missed text from his boyfriend.

_Can I come to your house after school?_

_of course you can phil you kno youre always welcome_

It wasn’t a minute later before Dan got a reply.

_Thank you. I’ll meet you there in about an hour._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so short. I wanted to include another scene in this chapter, but y'all would've had to wait at least another week for that and I'm bad enough at updating as it is.


	9. Regaining Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guest met his eyes, gave a barely-there smile, and placed his fingers on his chin before pulling his hand away – sign language for thank you. Dan’s heart sank a little. Phil wasn’t even speaking to him now, brilliant.

“Dan! I have your friend at the door?”

“Send him up to my room, Mum,” the brunette shouted back as he shut his laptop and straightened up from his browsing position.

He heard the light footsteps echo down the hall, so he stood up and brushed the leftover biscuit crumbs from his shirt. There was a soft knock before the door swung open slowly. Dan sucked in a gasp of air when he took in the figure on the other side. Phil had changed out of his school clothes and into sweats and a hoodie, both of which were far too big for him. His eyes were shiny and his cheeks looked red and irritated. The dark haired boy studied the carpet as he offered a small wave.

Dan swallowed. “Hey man, come in.”

Phil slipped inside and shut the door behind him. He stood there for a second before gesturing towards the bed questioningly.

“Yeah, of course,” Dan took a seat and patted the spot next to him, which Phil shuffled across the room to fill.

The guest met his eyes, gave a barely-there smile, and placed his fingers on his chin before pulling his hand away – sign language for _thank you_. Dan’s heart sank a little. Phil wasn’t even speaking to him now, brilliant. He _hated_ Mr. Sayers for doing this.

“No problem. So…how’re you doing? Did you have something specific in mind when you asked to come over, or did you just want to hang out? Talk to me.” Dan winced at his own words. “Crap – I didn’t mean that literally. I mean like, tell me. You can talk or write or-”

Phil cut him off with a dismissive wave of his hand. He bit his lip before meeting Dan’s eyes again. He pointed to his chest and then shrugged before gesturing to the other boy and knitting his eyebrows together.

“I’m doing fine, thanks for asking. But I’m more worried about you. I hate what happened today; you didn’t deserve that.”

Phil shrugged again. He cleared his throat and opened his mouth, but he quickly shut it again and shook his head. The glisten in his piercing blue eyes became more pronounced and Dan exhaled.

“Oh, Phil. It’s okay. C-can I hug you? Would you like…?” Dan opened his arms experimentally. Heaven knows they’d done a lot more than just hugging, but the boys had never seen each other this upset before. Dan had no idea if Phil would want to be touched.

Phil nodded and fell forward, Dan catching him and holding him tight. He could feel the pale boy trembling. Dan placed one hand on the back of his boyfriend’s head and the other hand traced methodical circles onto his back. Phil buried his head in the crook of Dan’s shoulder and nuzzled in snugly. They stayed like that for several moments, Dan humming comforts to the boy. Eventually Phil’s tears began to come more frequently and his breathing became shallow and rapid. Dan pulled back.

“Hey there, take a deep breath, okay? It’s gonna be okay, but I need you to breathe.”

Phil nodded and gasped in air, but he didn’t seem to be calming down any. Dan put his hand on his shoulder and gentle tugged backwards.

“Here, lie down on your back and try to think about opening your diaphragm. Like this.”

Dan sunk into his bed and took several slow, deep breaths. Phil followed suit, although he was still shaking slightly. Dan looked over at the boy next to him; he was heartbroken that he was in so much pain. He wished he could wrap Phil in a blanket and shield him from being hurt ever again. After a while, Phil seemed to regain control of his body. The dark-haired boy rolled over and placed his head on Dan’s chest. Dan ignored the flutter in his stomach and wrapped his arms around him.

“You okay?”

Phil nodded.

“Okay. You mean so much to me, you know that? You didn’t deserve any of that today.”

Phil’s face flushed and he waved a hand in dismissal. “Ddddddan?”

The brunette’s face lit up at hearing the words. “Yes?”

“I’mmm g-g-going to d-d-d-do it.”

He cocked his head to the side. “Do what?”

“I-I’m going to gggggggive the pre-e-e-esentation.”

His eyebrows shot up. “What?”

“I-I’m not going to f-f-f-feel that wwwway again. Ssssssssayers isn’t wi-wi-winning. I’m t-t-t-tired of other people m-making me f-feel like crap.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. This-this-this-this is what I wwant.”

Dan smiled and ruffled his boyfriend’s hair. “You’re so brave, you know that? I’ll help you practice if you want. You can do this. I promise.”

Phil booped his nose and stuck out his tongue. “Wh-whatever. Now ssshut up and c-cuddle me, spork.”

Dan gave a faux-exasperated sigh and pulled him in tighter. “Whatever you say, boss.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short. Like I said, this chapter and the last chapter were supposed to be combined, but I decided to upload them separately.
> 
> What'd you think of it?


	10. What You Can't Save

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “D-d-d-d-d-d-DAN! Ppppplease, you’re really sca-sca-scaring me!”
> 
> “Sorry!” His eyes flew open and he looked into the eyes of his boyfriend, brows furrowed in panic. How long had Phil been calling his name? “Sorry, I’m right here.”
> 
> “What’s wrrrrrong?”
> 
> “Nothing. Well, I guess…it’s complicated. I-”
> 
> But there was no time left to explain.

“He s-s-s-s-sec-c-c-, he ssssssssssec-c-c-, he, he, he, secured the-the-the-,” Phil threw his hands up in the air. “I c-c-can’t!”

“Hey hey hey, take a deep breath,” the brunette cooed. “You can do this, I know it. Start again?”

He nodded slowly. “Abra-h-h-ham Lincoln ssssssssssssssecured  thhhhhhhhe R-r-r-republicccccan nnnnnnnnomination as a mod-d-derate frrrrom the swing ssssstate of Illinois.”

“There you go! I knew you could do it!”

“Y-yeah, one crappy sentence out of a m-m-million.” He collapsed backwards onto Dan’s messily made bed. “It’s hopeless.”

“Don’t say that. We can keep practicing, it’ll get easier.”

“We’ve been practicing for weeks, and I’ve made n-no progress! This was a dumb idea. I was foolish to think I could do it.” His eye began to twitch slightly, and he rubbed at it with his hand.

Dan paced over to his bed and lowered himself gently down. “First off, don’t you dare insult my boyfriend like that.” He didn’t need to look at Phil to know he’d be fighting a grin. Several months into their relationship and the spork still got giddy at the word _boyfriend_. “And secondly, you can do it. You speak almost perfectly to me.”

The pale boy sat up and stared at his knees. “That’s you. You’re not a class f-full of judgmental kids waiting to finally see Freak Boy t-t-t-t-talk.”

“You’re not a freak, and no one but you thinks you are. Remember what that Hank bloke did for you when Sayers was being a dick?”

Phil shrugged. “And then there’s Sayers staring dea-ea-th beams into my soul!”

Dan cursed himself for bringing the teacher up at all. “Screw him. You’re not doing this for him, you’re doing it for you. Maybe…maybe pretend you’re just talking to me. I’ll be right up there with you. It’ll just be another conversation.”

“I dunno.”

“Here,” Dan said as he stood up. “Try it. It’s just me.”

He groaned, but Phil took Dan’s outstretched hand and pulled himself up. “This is d-dumb.”

“Maybe. But will you at least try it for me?”

He nodded and faced his body to Dan’s door, their ‘audience’. “A-a-a-abbbbbraham Lincoln-” he stopped and took a breath. “Abrrrraham L-l-lincoln wwwwwas-”

“Stop,” Dan placed a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t look at your notes. We’ve gone through this so many times even _I_ have your sections memorized. Look at me.” He smiled and made a silly face at his friend. “Pretend this is some interesting stuff you found online that you’re telling me about.”

“Dan, I don’t think-” he stopped when he saw the look of determined hope on Dan’s face. “Ugh, fine!”

Dan pumped his fist. “Yes! Let’s see then.”

Phil carefully set his notes on the bed, shook out his shoulders, and met the gaze of his favorite shade of chocolate-brown. “Abraham Lincoln was the s-s-sixteenth pppppppppppresident of the U-u-u-unnnn-”

He took a breath and Dan nodded encouragingly.

“Abraham Lincoln wwwwwas the sixteenth pre-e-esident of the United States of Ammmmmmerica. He was born on February tw-tw-twelth eighteen-oh-nnnnnine in Kentucky, in a llllllllllllog cabin, wh-wh-which would becommmmmme an important s-s-s-ymbol in the St-t-tates.”

Although he’d heard this more times than he could count, Dan raised his eyebrows in mock-surprise. “Is that so?”

Dan was lit up by the sound of Phil’s chuckle. “Lincoln wwwould eventually move to Indiana and thhhhhen Illinnnnois. All three of these sssstates tend to claim the president as their own.”

Dan let his jaw pop open and Phil actually snorted giggling.

“Although he grew up on the f-frontier, he never much liked manual labor. He preferred r-reading, writing, pppoetry, and drawing. The neighbors accused him of laziness.”

“Poppycock!”

“Shut up Daniel Howell. Lincoln went to school on and off, totaling to about a year’s worth of in-class days. He was largely self-taught. He would read and reread the same books again and again to really get to know them.” He began to fall into a sort of rhythm, and Dan could see the shadow of a smile flick across his face. “When his family tried to relocate some years later, Lincoln felt he was old enough to care for himself and decided to stay behind. This is when he visited New Orleans and witnessed slavery for the first time.”

“…Phil.”

“What, got another wise-crack?” he chuckled.

“You just did all of that last part without a single mistake.”

Phil’s eyes grew wide. “R-r-really?”

Dan nodded and enveloped his friend in a hug. “I’m so proud of you,” he said, planting a kiss on his cheek.

“Now let’s just see if I can d-do that in a week.”

Dan pulled back and smiled. “You will be. And even if you mess up, doesn’t change that you’re amazing.”

“Was that a reference to mmmmmy videos?”

“It is now.”

“Oh whatever,” Phil rolled his eyes and took a step back. “I’m exhausted. Can we t-t-take a break? I love your room, but I’ve been staring at these sssssame four walls for ages.”

He pursed his lips, thinking. “Yeah, ‘course. Would you mind going to the shopping center with me? My mum wanted me to pick up a few things. We don’t have to, I know it can be kind of boring sometimes. Really-”

“Dan,” Phil interrupted. “It would be my honour.”

 

~~~

 

Dan was starting to feel a familiar dull ache radiating from the back of his heels, but he couldn’t for the life of him ask Phil to stop shopping. They had stayed relatively on task for a while, but once they stumbled across a shop having a sale on their _New Spring Clothing Line!_ , the boys were done for. When the attendant saw Dan waiting outside of the changing room calling out that no, the peach one didn’t look weird with a pale skin tone, she’d smiled and suggested he sit down “while his girlfriend finished shopping.” Dan’s body was screaming at him to take her up on her offer, but he was needed to be the voice of Phil’s endless questions to the employees. He’d been told several times that he could take a break if he wanted, but Dan couldn’t make himself leave. There was something about his boyfriend’s giddiness around cheap, pastel clothing that he didn’t want to miss. By the time they finally left the store, they’d spent two more hours in the center than they’d planned.

“Are you sure you were done in there? You could end up needing that one pair of trousers in a fourth color.”

“Oh shut up,” Phil mouthed as he shifted the bags to his left side in order to intertwine his hand in his boyfriend’s. The two were only able to walk through the bustling shopping center like that for a few minutes before they were interrupted by Dan’s growling stomach.

“Sorry,” he chuckled.

Phil gestured the pretzel stands and pizza places around them. Dan was about to refuse until another hunger pang struck. He sighed and shuffled to the edge of the long hallway of store fronts to prevent being run over.

“Only if I get to pay this time.”

Phil shook his head firmly.

“Oh c’mon. Between our food and all your new clothes, you’ll go bankrupt.” he laughed.

Phil squeezed the other boy’s hand and leaned in so close their noses were almost touching. “That’s no fair and you know it. You p-paid last time.”

Dan planted a quick kiss on his nose and pulled back. “Too bad.”

The two turned to look across the different options around them. The brunette boy was scanning the area when he noticed. He squinted, sure it was an illusion or a mistake. But when all too familiar slate-grey eyes began to squint back, there was no doubt in Dan’s mind. Phil was whispering to him about restaurant options, but he had absolutely no comprehension of what his friend was saying. When the figure began to approach in slow, stop-and-go bursts, Dan lost his ability to hear all together. A high-pitched squeal was ringing in his ears and he could feel his blood pulsing faster and faster through his head. It wasn’t until the grey eyes looked back and forth before approaching much more quickly that Dan was able to come back down to earth. He closed his eyes and shook his head side to side in an attempt to re-center.

“D-d-d-d-d-d-DAN! Ppppplease, you’re really sca-sca-scaring me!”

“Sorry!” His eyes flew open and he looked into the eyes of his boyfriend, brows furrowed in panic. How long had Phil been calling his name? “Sorry, I’m right here.”

“What’s wrrrrrong?”

“Nothing. Well, I guess…it’s complicated. I-”

But there was no time left to explain. The interloper was already there, his presence demanding their attention.

“Um, Phil,” he cleared his throat. “This is-”

“Leave,” their visitor said.

“What?”

“Leave.”

Dan looked back and forth from their guest’s hard stare to his boyfriend’s hanging jaw and wide eyes.

“Who the hell do you think you are? After everything, you’re going to tell me to leave? Is this a joke?”

The man reached out and put a hand on Dan’s arm. He braced himself for a rough jerk, but there was none; it was as soft as Phil’s touches.

“For fuck’s sake James, please listen to me,” he hissed, “my friends are here, and you don’t want them to see you. Leave. Now, for your own safety.”

Dan sucked in a quick breath. “Come on Phil, let’s go.” He grabbed his friend’s hand and quickly yet gently began to pull him towards the exit. Once they were close enough to reach the handle, he turned back for a brief second. He bit his lip.

“Thank you Adam,” he called out.

 

~~~

 

The whole way to the tube, neither boy said a word. Phil tried to ask a few silent questions by doing things such as pointing to Dan and making a thumbs up with a cocked head and furrowed brows, but Dan didn’t offer anything in way of response. Even without any verbal issues to deal with, he was too shaken to speak. He felt guilty; it was almost as if concern was radiating out of Phil in tangible waves. They walked quickly, heads-down, hands swinging within inches of each other’s, but Dan didn’t dare touch him. He felt a sinking pit in his stomach that if he made contact with Phil in that moment, his forced composure would disintegrate.

It wasn’t until he lowered himself into the seat in the far back corner of the tube that Dan realized his knees were shaking back and forth. He bit his tongue and looked himself over. The goose bumps covering his arms would be incredibly defined if it weren’t for the fact that his body was trembling too hard to hold them still. He jumped and let out a small gasp when he felt pressure on his hand, but when he snapped his head up he was greeted by the sight of his friend, wide eyed, with his hands held up at shoulder-level in a show of non-aggressiveness. Dan sunk down into himself and opened his mouth to form an apology, but Phil waved a hand in dismissal. How had Dan done anything to deserve him as a boyfriend?

Dan looked straight into the pastel blue eyes staring back at his and immediately felt the sting of tears beginning to form. He had never been much for public displays of affection, but in that moment he didn’t care. He leaned forward and placed his head on Phil’s shoulder and returned the gesture when Phil wrapped his arms around him in a bear-hug. He felt the other boy begin to gently rock back and forth as he rubbed small circles into Dan’s back with the pads of his fingers.

“I’mmmmm sorry you h-had to see him again,” Phil whispered.

Dan nodded into his chest. “I guess I just panicked. The last time I saw that face was on the roof. But,” he laughed humorlessly and pulled back, “you know what got to me the most?”

“What?”

“He’s still with the same friends. I guess I just assumed that after everything that happened, he’d’ve stopped hanging around them. But he’s still supporting them, and he’s still putting himself through that shite every god damn day.”

“Dan.”

“What?”

“You can’t save Adam, just like he couldn’t save you. You knnnnow that, right?

He took a breath. “But I can save me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so story time: this is the place in the plot where I originally intended to have the smut. I tried really hard to find a good way to work it into the plot and transition it in, but nothing felt right. So after three weeks of trying to make smut work, I decided that it no longer fits in the story I've made. So yeah, the whole "eventual smut" thing was a lie...sorry.
> 
> As a side note, this is my first chapter that has had a beta reader, so thanks to countrygal611! She has some really cool stuff coming out in the future, so make sure to check it out!


	11. Even if it Isn't Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan balled his fists up by his side. What did he mean? Was he really trying to start this conversation? Now? He tried to think logically about what he wanted to say next, but the same thought just kept echoing through his mind: Only I can save myself.

_I can’t believe we’re this close._

_i can. weve been procrastinating it for ages_ , Dan tapped out quickly before pressing send.

_Is it too late to back out?_

_technically speaking no but u shouldnt_

_I don’t think I can do this._

The sound of Dan’s fingers repeatedly clacking against the back of his phone filled his empty bedroom. He felt his chest ache and he swallowed hard.

_yes you can. If you dont want to present we can just pass but you didnt work this hard to back out of something you can do_

He laid back in his bed and ran his hands through his hair. He felt terrible, but he couldn’t make himself focus in on Phil’s crisis. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Adam’s grey eyes across the mall. The shaking of his shoulders in the back of classroom on that very first day was burned into Dan’s retinas. Most of all the image of the pain in his face as he pounded into Dan on the roof stayed with him. It was the last time he’d seen a soft quality in Adam’s features. Not only did he miss the person Adam had been before that incident, he missed the person _he_ had been beforehand. He missed when he was living, not just surviving, even though it landed him in the hospital.

He yelped when his phone vibrated, wrenching him back to earth.

_What if I’m not good enough?_

_youre not just good, youre amazing._

There was a long delay before the next text arrived.

_I’m not though. I can’t even function like a normal human being. I’m defective._

If he wasn’t caught up in his own issues, Dan would have called his boyfriend immediately. He hated when Phil got like this. But he did have the presence of mind to form a coherent thought.

_listen. you can do this i promise. you worked so hard at this and i know you could do so well. even if you mess up ill be so proud of you. youve practiced this so much I  think you owe it to yourself to at least try. but if you really think you cant do it, its your choice. youve already amazed me so much._

_Why are you so good to me?_

_because you deserve it_

 

~~~

 

Dan picked up his fork and pushed a piece of lettuce on his plate around slowly. It had been several hours since he’d texted Phil about it, but he couldn’t stop thinking about what people deserve. He knew that his boyfriend deserved the world, but what exactly did he deserve? And then there was the half-formed thought he’d uttered on the tube after seeing Adam; _I can save myself_. He wasn’t sure what he’d meant by that, but Dan had a history of coming up with his most important ideas in times of extreme stress. He was happy, wasn’t he? There wasn’t anything he needed to be saved from. But if that was true, why did the thought keep repeating in his mind as he ate supper with his parents. The three were almost done with the meal when it slipped out of his mouth.

“I want to wear my hair curly.” _What?_ Where the hell had that come from? It was true, but he didn’t need his parents’ permission to do it. It was like someone else had taken control of his mouth.

His family seemed just as confused. “O-okay?” his mom said.

“I saw this bloke I used to know that irons his hair. And…and he made me realize that I don’t want to iron mine anymore. So I’m going to wear it natural,” he straightened his body when he said it and tried to make his voice sound steady.

“Dan, are you feeling quite alright? It’s just hair, you can do whatever you-”

“Honey,” Mr. Howell said, shooting his wife a look and shaking his head. “What do you mean son?”

Dan balled his fists up by his side. What _did_ he mean? Was he really trying to start this conversation? Now? He tried to think logically about what he wanted to say next, but the same thought just kept echoing through his mind: _Only I can save myself._

“I thought it would be easier to… straighten my hair. Go with the flow here and stick with what’s expected. And maybe it would be easier, but it wouldn’t make me happier. So I’m not going to do that anymore. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“No, we-” his mum started

His father held up a hand to stop her. “You know we want you to be happy, right? Even if it isn’t the easiest path for you to take.”

Dan nodded slowly and cleared his throat. “Being…erm, _different…_ isn’t even that hard here. But I know the rest of world isn’t always thrilled with it.” He shifted in his seat, pushing his forgotten food away from him. “I just hope you guys are okay with that” he swallowed. “…please be okay with it.”

His parents exchanged a glace that he couldn’t quite place and his mum cleared her throat.

“If everything that happened your last year in Belmont taught you anything, I hope it’s that your dad and I will do anything for you. Even if it isn’t easy, we want you happy.”

He nodded and tried his best to ignore the stinging behind his eyes. He had NOT planned to have this conversation today.

“Thanks,” he offered a shaky smile. “I think I’m going to head upstairs to do homework. But thank you.”

“We love you Dan,” his dad said.

He returned the sentiment and left for his room before pausing right at the door. Why not go for broke. “Hey, after our Abe Lincoln presentation tomorrow, can Phil come by? It’s our date night,” he called.

He heard muffled chuckling from the kitchen. “Yes love, you can have your boyfriend over. You know he’s always welcome here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE thanks to my beta reader infinitehearts (formerly countrygal611) for helping me rework a lot of this chapter. Her newest fic, "ichariba chode" is now out and it's honestly incredible, so go check it out and subscribe!


	12. The Freak Show They Want From Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’d always loved Phil's infectious attitude; Dan couldn’t count the number of times his boyfriend’s mere presence had pulled him out of one of his moods. This was the first time Phil’s contagious spirit was an issue.

 

Dan had never had any trouble speaking in front of people. Before he’d decided to spend his life flying under the radar, he’d loved theater. The buzz of people captivated and the power to share a message and be heard was intoxicating to him. He’d never been able to understand how people would want to shy away from that, at least when they knew what they were doing.

That was until the presentation. He’d always loved Phil's infectious attitude; Dan couldn’t count the number of times his boyfriend’s mere presence had pulled him out of one of his moods. This was the first time Phil’s contagious spirit was an issue. The boys were standing a good five feet away from each other in front of the board, but Dan could feel the floor vibrating with his friend’s jiggling leg. Phil’s normally massive frame was weakened by his slumped shoulders and stooped head. The two beanpole boys often stretched their necks and stood on tiptoe to be the taller partner, but in that moment Dan could see clear over the tuft of dark, ruffled hair.

The class was staring at them, frozen in silence. Over the last few weeks Dan had noticed the looks the kids shot at Phil when the presentations were brought up, although he pretended not to see. . Wide eyes, scrunched eyebrows, gestures of confusion; everyone was waiting to see what the Silent Boy would do. And for the first time since they began really working on the project, Dan wondered alongside them if he would crash and burn.

He knew that Phil could do it, the question was _would_ he? Preparing for this day, Dan had repeatedly told his boyfriend, “ _If you get nervous, just look at me. Pretend it's just me.”_ But that scenario depended on Dan being a rock, ready to help things go smoothly. He tried to swallow, but his useless lump of a tongue and his dry mouth wouldn't let him.

 

“Mr. Howell, Mr. Lester, any day now.” Mr. Sayers' voice echoed throughout the silent room, and Dan could feel his pulse speed up. He had spent so long helping Phil prepare, he hadn't even considered this possibility.

 

He took a shaky step forward to put himself in the range of Phil's peripheral vision. This meant that Dan could no longer see his boyfriend, which sent a cold feeling down his spine.

 

“We, uh, did our project on Abraham Lincoln,” he said, staring down at the notecards he'd memorized long ago. “He was the 16th president of the United States. He was born on February 12th, 1809 in....in....” his eyes went wide. Oh god, he was spacing. He flipped through his index cards frantically, scanning them for the information. Wait, what information was he looking for again? His fingers fumbled and the cards spilled all over the thin classroom carpet.

 

“Uh, sorry,” he said as his cheeks burned. He bent down and began scooping them up when he heard a voice.

 

“in Hodgenville, Kentucky. He was f-f-famousssly born in a log ccccabin, which has become a ssymbol of L-lincolnnnnn, even inspiring a children's toy in the-the-the-the states.”

 

Dan felt a smile spread over his face, and he straightened up, ignoring the cards on the ground.

 

“He spent his life on the frontier before eventually moving north,”

 

“To Ind-ind-indiana,”

 

“Then Illinois,”

 

“Where he beccccccame a senatt-t-t-senator.”

 

Dan turned around to look at Phil. The boy was no longer slouched, standing at full frame, looking only at his boyfriend. Dan looked over the audience and beamed at their dumbstruck faces.

 

“Let's skip ahead to that political life, because we have a lot to share with you.”

 

 

 

~~~

 

 

Dan balanced his tray in one hand while carrying the piece of paper in the other. He set the school's sad excuse for fish and chips down on the table before taking his seat, making the group complete. He tried not to interrupt the conversation with his entrance, but he was busting with news. As Dan tried to pay attention to whatever it was Marcus was on about, Phil nodded down at the folded paper in his hand, which Dan slid over with a poorly suppressed grin. Half a second later, there was a strangled yelp.

“What in the world was that?” Marcus asked, abandoning his story mid-sentence.

“Grades came back for Sayers' class,” Dan said.

All eyes turned to Phil. “And...?” Troye asked.

Dan looked at his friend. In the time since they'd presented, Phil's secret had gotten around. Silent Boy was silent because he couldn't get out a sentence out straight. But he'd still refused to talk unless he could do it right. What Phil had whispered into Dan's arms the day after the presentation rang through his head: _I'm not going to g-give them the fffffffreak show they want from m-m-me._

Dan cleared his throat. “We got a-”

“Sev-v-venty two out of onnnnne hund-d-dred.” He broke out into a wide grin. “We passed!”

The lunch table broke out into congratulations and cheers as the graded rubric was handed around. Different people read different comments aloud, such as “satisfactory” and “technically met minimum expectations,” but the boys weren't paying attention. They were too busy beaming at each other.

“You did it,” Dan whispered.

“W-we did it.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO sorry it took this long to post... I got suspended then I had to graduate then I had to get a job then I had to get a new laptop and on and on and on. I'd love to hear what you think of it!


	13. Welcome to the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan could practically see the shocked expressions on his friends' faces when they found out, but he couldn't stop himself from saying it.

“I'm not sure this is a good idea.”

“Of c-c-c-course it is.”

“I don't know that I spent enough time really preparing. It's been so long since I've-”

“Bear,” Phil interrupted. “You've spent thrrrrrrrrree t-t-times as long pr-r-r-reparing as-as-as anyone else. You've got this.”

He had a point there. Ever since the big history project had finished, he had a surprising amount of free time. Phil's schedule had been freeing up even more; he was talking more and more in class, which meant he didn't have nearly as many make-up assignments to do. The boys got to enjoy countless evenings snuggling on couches or strolling through parks, earning them the title of the school Power Couple. But when Dan's parents hinted that he might want to do something more productive with some of this time, he couldn't help but concede it as a valid point. He needed something to put on university applications, and he had to admit he missed the feeling of working towards an end goal.

Still, he hadn't really acted since middle school, and he'd forgotten how nervous auditions made him.

“If I make the cut at all, I'll get a two-line bit part.”

“And if you ddddddo, I'll be there w-w-w-with you to workshop the hhhhhell out of those two-two-two-two lines. But I think you're selling yourself shhhhhhort.”

Dan was about to protest to this, but he heard the carpet-shuffling of approaching footsteps.

“Cast or crew?” came a voice from beside him. Dan turned to see the tall, blonde figure of Hank, a boy he only knew because of his status as resident nerd and general nice guy. Dan smiled when he remembered the time he'd stood up for Phil when Mr. Sayers was being an ass.

“Uh, cast,” Dan mumbled.

Hank turned to Phil, who shook his head.

“Are you sure?” Hank asked, cocking his head to the side. “I've seen some of your videos, and your eye for lighting and item focus is incredible.”

Phil's eyes went wide. “I-I- uh,” he mumbled. “never d-d-d-done live st, live stttt, live stage before.”

“You'd pick it up quickly. I can show you around the equipment if you'd like.” Hank offered with a shrug.

His eyebrows shot up, but he quickly neutralized his expression. “Thhhhhanks, but I sh-shhhould stay to watch D-d-d-d-dan.”

“You've seen my audition piece a thousand times, you should go check it out.”

“Are you sure?” Phil whispered to him. “I can sssstay, I really don't mmmmind.”

Dan shook his head, trying to quash the nervous butterflies attacking his stomach. “Yes. I should probably head into the auditorium to watch the others soon anyway. Enjoy yourself.”

Dan took a deep breath as he watched his boyfriend walk away with Hank. If Phil wasn't interested in crew he would never push it, but he couldn't help imagine the two of them working on the play together, getting to gossip about the inner workings of the show, helping each other memorize lines or figure out equipment. When he first met Phil all those months ago, Dan had never imagined it could turn out this well, never imagined a gross class project could bring them so close. He liked the idea of working towards a common goal with Phil. Even though it had been stressful, it had felt so good to succeed together. He smiled at the chance to do that again. The past year had been the hardest of his life, but he was doing pretty well for himself, and he was set up to have a great end to a shitty schooling experience. For the first time in a long time, Dan was pretty sure he knew exactly what his future held, and he was thrilled.

Dan shook himself into focus and walked towards the auditorium. He reached into his pocket and turned off his mobile. The phone went dark seconds before a local breaking news update would have flashed across the screen, displaying a message that would prove to be all too familiar to the Howell boy.

 

 

 

~~~

 

 

Forty-six hours after his audition finished, Dan found himself in a shockingly different environment pacing up and down the painfully white hallway, his nose burning from industrial-strength cleaning fluid and Febreze. If things were different, he might have laughed at it all. As it was, he just wanted to scream. He'd walked into the hospital with such resolve, no doubt in his mind he was doing the right thing. He hadn't even considered the possibility he would be stopped. Dan had been told that they were only allowing limited visitors at the time, and we're sorry sir but you're not pre-approved. He had had to fight with a nurse for fifteen minutes before she agreed to even ask if Dan might be added to the list. He'd sighed in relief and given her his full name, initially confident that that was the end of the problem. But the more time passed without anyone bringing back news, the more worried he became. Would he really be barred from entering? Dan had nothing but good intent, that had to be obvious... right?

When thirty minutes had passed without any news, Dan had almost just resigned himself to leaving. His feet were sore from pacing, but he couldn't seem to stop. As he was trying to decide whether he ought to inform someone he was going or just walk out, the same nurse he'd fought with reappeared in the hall. Dan looked at her hopefully and was met with pursed lips and a haughty expression.

“He got quite worked up hearing your name, but he insisted you be allowed in. I don't know who you are to him, but if he gets that upset again while you're in there, know I won't hesitate to boot you out.”

Dan's eyes widened. He hadn't wanted to cause any harm. When the nurse made a sharp gesture for him to follow her, he began the numb shuffle down three hallways and across a lobby.

Everything he'd planned to say went out the window when he entered the room and was greeted with the fearful, slate-grey eyes surrounded by bruises and swelling. The boys just stared at each other for a moment.

“Hey Adam,” he eventually breathed.

“James,” came a cough.

“Uh, it's actually Dan now.”

“Is that so? I didn't know you were one of the Daniels.”

“Yeah, that's me.” They fell back into heavy silence. Dan tried to remember what he'd wanted to say, but he came up blank.

“Why're you here?”

“To see if you're okay.”

“Why? You should hate me.”

“I know,” Dan said as Adam's mouth fell open. “I used to. There's a lot I used to dream about telling you. How I have to retake classes because not all of my credits transferred. How relocating got my dad demoted, how I have to hear my parents argue about money when I think I can't hear them. How I had seven fractures divided between three ribs.”

“I am so sorry. You have to believe me James– Dan. I would do anything to take it back.”

“I know that too,” Dan said, taking a step forward. “When I was sitting in pain in the hospital I was so angry at you. When my parents asked me why I was defending the person who put me there, I honestly didn't have an answer.”

Adam's lip was now trembling, his mouth opening and closing wordlessly.

“But then I remembered you guarding my locker from vandalism. I remembered you whispering an apology to me on the roof before it all started. I remembered how hard I had to work to convince you not to keep rising yourself for me, the day we talked on the bathroom floor. I remember the look on your face sitting in the back of Ms. Hawkins' classroom--”

“Oh god, you saw that?” Adam interrupted.

“Yeah, I did. I haven't forgiven you for what you did yet–”

“Good, you shouldn't.”

“ –but I want to. I want to know more about you. I didn't come here to get angry over what you did. I want to know if you're okay.” Dan crossed the rest of the room and lowered himself into a chair situated on Adam's left. “Are you okay?”

“No,” he chuckled darkly.

“What happened?”

“What do you think?” When Dan didn't comment, the blonde boy continued slowly. “They found out. I didn't realize what was happening until they were quoting me on the roof, saying things I had texted to this guy. I don't know how they read my messages, but I guess they did.”

“I'm so sorry.”

“I had it coming.”

“Still,” Dan said. “It shouldn't have happened.”

The boy in the bed merely coughed and looked down at his wringing hands.

“What're you doing from here?”

Adam swallowed hard. “Uh, I don't know actually. M-my dad found out what really happened when the police were interviewing me. The detective had already talked to the boys, and he mentioned some stuff they said.”

“Holy shit. The police are involved?”

He shrugged. “Yeah. I imagine they'll talk to you again soon. Sorry.”

Dan shook his head slowly. “No, it's okay. Now that people know about you, I have no reason to lie.”

Adam gaped at him. “I was the reason you weren't talking?”

“Oh. Yeah. I knew things would go to hell for you if people found out the full truth.”

He swore under his breath. “I had no idea. I always thought it was that you were afraid of the guys.”

“Funny thing: once I'd lived a nightmare, I wasn't really scared of what was coming next.”

“Wish I had that attitude.”

“What _is_ next for you? Do you know what you'll do after the hospital?” Dan asked.

Adam just bit his lip and shrugged. “My dad gave me 500 quid and told me to get a flat far away from his house. So I guess I'll do that.”

“God, I'm so sorry.”  
“It's okay, it's not like I have any friends left anyway.”

“Really? No one stayed?”

“You've not been gone a year, I think you remember what it's like here in Belmont,” Adam said.

Dan ran a hand through his hair. He remembered more than he'd like to admit. When he saw the headline; _Belmont Teen Bloodied on Roof; 2_ _nd_ _Instance in a Year,_ a foolish part of him hoped that people would wake up and get their heads out of their asses this time. No such luck. At least when Dan had been going through all this he'd had his family by his side. He couldn't imagine doing it all alone.

“I can't even leave,” Adam continued, oblivious to Dan's reverie. “Hardly anyplace takes mid-semester transfers, and I can't graduate late. I can't,” he swallowed heavily. “I can't do this longer than I have to.”

Dan could practically see the shocked expressions on his friends' faces when they found out, but he couldn't stop himself from saying it. “Come to my school.”

“What?”

“You can't go back to Belmont and you know it. The administration at my school worked really hard to salvage as many of my credits as possible. It's a whole separate world there, I promise.”

“I can't take away the safe space of a guy I beat to a pulp,” Adam whispered.

“No, I suppose you can't. D'you think you can join the safe space of a growing friend?”

The blonde boy openly gaped. “You can't...that's too...I can't.”

Dan tilted his head to the side. “You can do whatever you want mate. But do you really want to go back where you came from?”

“I can't just join you. That's...it would cause too many problems.”

He sighed and adjusted the bed-side chair. “I suppose you're right. I mean I see a glaring problem right off the bat.” At this point Adam was nodding slowly, a crestfallen look shading his face. “There are three Adams in my maths class alone.”

“ _That's_ the big problem?”

“Believe me, it's confusing when you don't know if people are talking to you. What's your middle name?”

The grey eyes had begun to shine, but not like Dan had seen in the past. They had something much different behind them. “You might not believe this,” he said, licking his lips. “but it's actually James.”

There was a beat of silence before both boys burst out laughing. Small chuckles at first that grew into full-body chortling. Whether it was born of nervousness, awkwardness, discomfort, or actual humor, no one could tell.

“I – can't – take,” the brunette gasped between laughs. “I couldn't take that. We'd both get so confused.”

Adam nodded, wiping a near that had slipped down his cheek. “No, me neither.”

“So is it 'Adam Clone 13' for you?”

He paused for a moment. “Maybe...AJ. My initials. I don't think I really want to be Adam anymore. Not like I used to be.”

Dan sobered up and nodded. “Okay. Welcome to the world AJ,” he said softly, “It's so much wider than you think it is, I promise.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. I really have no excuse. Please comment and tell me what you think of the ending!


	14. Bonus Content

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since you guys were SO patient with my ridiculously slow update schedule, I've decided to include some bonus info for those of you who are interested.

Welcome to hell! I've decided the best way to do this is to simply give you a list of fun facts to start off with, and then include an alternative (and shitty) first-draft ending. So here we go!

-The entire basis for this story came from an idea for smut. I wanted to write a short piece that included some sort of verbilization issues for Phil and a history of violence for Dan. The idea was that going into their first time together Dan would spend a lot of time figuring out non-verbal signals for "stop" and "slow down" and that sort of thing, in case Phil's throat closed up or something. But then in the middle of things they get in a position that Dan had been in when getting the crap beaten out of him, so Dan freaks and needs to be comforted. That idea developed into what the story is now, but when I got to the part where I intended to put in that scene, I realized that it no longer fit into what the narrative had become.  
-Adam was originally going to be a HUGE bully of Dan's, the worst of the pack. Then Adam was gonna kiss him and they would end up dating, and when people made fun of Adam for not being a dick to Dan anymore...roof scene. But obviously that also changed.  
-When I initially thought of this idea in January, I wondered if I could get it done by the end of winter break...ha.  
-I made the project an American history project because I was too lazy to research any British history.  
-In preparation for this, I spent a good amount of time watching videos of people who have stutters, experts on stuttering and speech impediments, and doctors explaining the mechanics behind it.  
-Hank was a total last-minute add on. I wanted someone to stand up for Phil during the classroom scene, and I was like ...fuck it, why not Hank Green.  
-In the original chapter charting, this was supposed to be four chapters shorter than it was.  
-This fic has gotten so much more love and attention than I ever expected.

 

And now, without further ado, I give you the TERRIBLE first draft of the ending. In my defense, I just wanted to get this out of the way before I had to move to a different continent. I sent it to my beta reader (undying thanks to infinityhearts) and she was like "ummm, this is kind of really unsatisfying" and I read it back and was like CRAP you right. So I scrapped it and started fresh. Enjoy (I'm sorry)

 

The Abe Lincoln presentation is what transitioned the boys from the honeymoon phase of their relationship to the real, substantive, long-haul part. They had been through serious challenges together and come out the other side. There were times when they got frustrated with each other and needed some air, but the several months following the project was comprised of far more good moments than bad. Dan may have had moments of exasperation when he felt like Phil couldn't understand his existentialism at all, but he knew without a question that his boyfriend would be there to help him back up. Phil may have had his times of paranoia when he felt like Dan was tired of listening to him struggling over his words, but he knew the boy would always end up reaching a tender hand forward to brush the hair out of his eyes and ask him to continue his story.  
As it turned out, these minor struggles were good for the two. It prepared them for what was coming next.

 

~~~ 

 

When Phil had first seen the news and wordlessly turned the laptop to show his boyfriend, there wasn't any doubt whether or not Dan would go. There was, however, significant discussion as to if Phil should join him. Would he be welcome there? Would it make things worse? Would Phil be able to stand it? Eventually, it came down to one question; did Dan need him there. In the end, that was all that mattered.  
The result was two gangly, awkward teenage boys inching their way into a pristine room that was dead silent, save a soft, steady beeping. Dan took a breath, readjusted his visitor's tag, and pushed himself the rest of the way through the doorway. When he gathered the courage to look up, he was met with an open mouth and wide, slate-grey eyes shadowed with bruses. (bruises)  
“Hello,” he whispered.  
“W-what're you,” the boy in the bed coughed. “What're you doing here James?”  
“It's actually Dan now,” he said, approaching slowly, careful not to bump any of the hospital's equipment.  
“Okay, what're you doing here Dan?”  
“I'm here, we're here” he turned and gestured to Phil, who was several steps behind him, “to visit you. See if you're okay.”  
Adam bit his lip. “Why?”  
“Because I know how it feels to be where you are, and I know I could've used a visitor.”  
“You don't hate me?”  
Dan averted his eyes as he eased himself into the bedside chair. “I hate what you did to me, yeah. But that's not who you are.”  
“How're you so sure?”  
“Because I met the real you. The guy keeping my locker from being defaced, the guy defending me, the guy spilling his guts to me on the bathroom floor, that's you. Not the guy on the roof.”  
Adam let out a dark chuckle. “Who would've thought I'd end up on that same roof one day.”  
Dan allowed himself a sad smile. “I have to say, when I saw the headline, I knew it was going to be you. I hoped it wasn't though.”  
“'Belmont Teen Beaten on Rooftop, Second Instance This Year.'” he quoted.  
“How'd they find out?”  
“I'd rather not say,” Adam muttered, cheeks going pink.  
“Did they see texts?”  
“Worse.”  
“Oh god, it wasn't...”  
“Yeah. Internet search history.” There was a pause before they both burst out in hysterics for a moment. After they sobered up, Adam squeezed his eyes shut and began jiggling his hand.  
“I'm sorry for what I did.”  
“I know mate, it's f-”  
“No Jame-- I mean Dan, listen. That day with you, that was the biggest fucking mistake of my life. I caused so much pain for you, it's the worst thing I've ever done. I don't even know how you can stand to look at me right now.” he swallowed. “Sometimes I can barely stand to look at me.”  
Dan exhaled. “Hey now. I forgave you a long time ago. You had your reasons for doing what you did. And yeah, it was really shitty, but I get it. And besides,” he said, looking back at the boy behind him, “switching schools ended up bringing me some really good things.”  
“I don't deserve your forgiveness. I dese-”  
“Shut up, yes you do. I think we can both agree that you owe me one, so let it be that you accept my forgiveness.”  
Adam ran a hand through his blonde mop of hair. “What am I supposed to do now?” he whispered.  
“I dunno honestly. That's your choice. It's going to suck no matter what you do,” the other boy blanched, but Dan kept going. “But it'll all work out alright. Besides, you have two blokes that've been through the wringer themselves that will speak out for you.” Dan reached back, laced his hand through Phil's, and pulled him forward as he placed a kiss on his boyfriend's palm.  
“How can I ever repay you?”  
“G-g-give me ssssssome of your next Jell-o cup and we-we-we can ccall it even.”


End file.
